I Need Your Love – Is that True? - a book review

Sometimes people give me self help books as gift.  I Need Your Love – Is that True? was one of such books I got for my birthday.


Written by Byron Katie,  it's worth a browse for anyone who has been unhappy in a relationship or who is currently seeking approval and love of others.


Byron Katie is an author of many self help books with one common goal: to teach people how to end their own suffering.

Katie created a process to ending suffering, which she calls The Work.  By following her method, readers are taught to identify their stressful thoughts and change their resulting belief system by reversing thought patterns.

Not unlike Eckhart Tolle, a well known spiritual author of the bestselling The Power of Now, Byron Katie discovered a new way of life after being severely depressed for almost a decade.  Katie calls her enlightenment  “waking up to reality.” She discovered that when she believed her thoughts, she suffered, and that freedom from depression was freedom from her own beliefs about the world.

In I Need Your Love – Is that True? Katie advises readers on how to find unhappiness and eliminate it its source.  Unlike Tolle’s guidance to disregard the ego and its incessant thoughts, Katie teaches her readers to trace the origins of their thoughts in order to  destroy negative thinking at its root.

According to Kaite, most thoughts that go through our mind on a daily basis make us unhappy by bending reality and questioning joy through personal quest for love and approval:

"Thoughts about your wants and needs can be very bossy. If you believe them, you feel you have to do what they say; you have to get people’s love and approval. There is another way to respond to a thought, and that is to question it. How can you question your wants and needs? How can you meet your thoughts without believing them?" 

She goes on to explain that people “are loved and supported not because of but despite their efforts.”


In other words, people cannot enjoy life without being free of thoughts that they need something other than what they already have. There is nothing others can do to keep people from loving them. The only way to lose joy is by expecting something other than what's been given. 

In her introductory chapter, Katie demonstrates that even a harmless thought can disrupt someone's joy. She asks her readers to imagine they are sitting outside, where everything is perfect, until a small thought crosses their mind. It could be as innocent as: “I wish I had a pillow” or “I wish I had someone to share this moment with me”. There is  nothing negative in this fleeting thought, but is has just disrupted your bliss and knocked you out of heaven.


In the second chapter and throughout her book, Katie deals directly with common examples of negative thinking and demanding patterns of human relationships.  She deals with the need  for approval, the fear of rejection and other areas in which self esteem suffers.

Katie focuses on relationships made unhappy by blame for being unsatisfied. By using thought questioning method, readers are shown what they really look for in relationships and are taught how to be more loving. 


Katie’s examples penetrate through readers’ innate desire for reciprocity in relationships.  They demonstrates that happiness is not measured by what we're getting from somebody else, is not based on the support of others, and is not contingent upon our expectations. 


Some examples revolve around the personal needs and wants, i.e: "I feel I need this or that from you in order to be happy". Katie asks if that's true, and continues to question until the readers realize that they don't need what they thought they needed; instead they can love unconditionally, without demands.

In other words, love is not about getting what you want, but a balancing act of accepting reality and doing what’s best for each partner individually.

Resisting reality and individual wants brings suffering.  For example, a thought like "He shouldn't be so manipulative"leaves one partner feeling helpless and unhappy.  But, if she were to simply accept the reality of her partner being manipulative she could see how her resistance further contributes to his manipulation and then decide what's best for her and how to achieve it without expecting another person to act the way she wants him to act.

After completing I Need Your Love – Is that True?, the readers are left with tools for identifying the source of their negative emotions, and are taught exactly how to trace the original thought that caused each emotion, how to question it, reverse it, and finally eliminate it from their mind.

The book maybe helpful to anyone who is suffered from being in an unhappy  relationship.  It helps to identify true source of discontentment, shows how to reverse the process, and paves the way to happiness without seeking approval or love from someone else.


Katie's approach is simple and easy to put to good use. 
I found the book to be a bit windy and condescending and would not recommended for people with serious psychological trauma. 

References:

The Official Website for The Work of Byron Katie

The Official Blog for The Work of Byron Katie

 Videos for The Work of Byron Katie

One is the loneliest number - the myth dispelled

Two things scare me.
The first is getting hurt.     
But that's not nearly as scary as the second, which is losing. 


--Lance Armstrong 


July issue of Time magazine published a great article that dispels hard set American stereotype that the only children grow up to be spoiled, lonely or as "permanent misfits".  Despite many efforts of researchers to disprove the image on an only child established by Granville Stanley Hall 120 years ago, today's America is having a hard time dealing with the fact that many families are choosing to only have one child.  


People with only one child are sometimes considered being unfit parents, who will harm their child by not providing a proper play mate. Nothing could be further from the truth. 


As an only child myself, I can testify to never feeling lonely, being unable to fit in, or being unable to achieve.   On the contrary, the stakes and expectations were always set higher for me than for my peers with brothers or sisters, and therefore, I had to adapt, be sociable and succeed in every task.  Failure simply was not an option, but I don't regret being an only child for a second.  I got more attention, more emotional support, more love and more compassion than some of my peers, yet I never felt spoiled.


With the economy taking a nose dive, it is not surprising that many families are choosing to stop at having just one child.  And there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.


Here is a photo gallery of famous only children, who turned out just right.  The list includes Lans Armstrong, Franklin Roosevelt, Gary Grant, Frank Sinatra, and many others.  


Time does an excellent job of debunking the only child myths.  To read their article in its entirety, pick up a copy of the Time magazine; the online version does not do it justice, but the article is well written and worth the read.

Closer - film review

Closer is one of my all time favorite films because it demonstrates the ease with which people play with human emotions.  This film is based on a play by Patrick Marber, starring Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts, Jude Law and Clive Owen. 


The plot is not as complicated, as it is twisted and has been compared to Così fan tutte, Mozart's opera which is both referenced in the film and appears on its soundtrack. 


Unlike the opera, nothing is forgiven and forgotten in Closer. Rather, love is a nasty game for mature audiences.
Dan (Jude Law) is an obituaries writer, who falls in love with Alice (Natalie Portman), a young American by the name of Jane.  The film begins with Alice walking down the street, locking eyes with Dan and getting hit by a car. She survives the accident and quickly moves in with Dan, who proceeds to write a book about her.  A year or two later, Anna (Julia Roberts) takes a photo of Dan for his book about Alice. Dan accidentally introduces Anna to Larry (Clive Owen). Eventually Dan and Anna have an affair, Alice leaves Dan and becomes a stripper, Larry has one steamy night with Alice, but eventually wins Anna back, after which he tells  Dan where to find Alice (but not without telling him that he and Alice slept together).


Closer is a raw take on relationships.  It is disturbing because it goes where most films do not dare - it explores real life love drama at its core, where people are angry, dishonest, brutal, despicable, vengeful,  hurt and humanly flawed. 

All four performances are commendable, but the talent lies with Clive Owen and Natalie Portman. Owen is raw and powerful, while Portman is conniving and pure at the same time. 

Robert's Anna is more calm than deceiving, although she certainly knows that “Lying is the most fun a girl can do without taking her clothes off.”  

Both female characters are equally strong as they are weak. Their art of deception using tea is worth a mention:

“How about some tea?” – offers Anna to her husband in an effort to hide her relationship with Dan. 

“Make some tea”, says Alice to distract Dan before she runs away.

Unfortunately, Anna is not strong enough to keep her affair a secret during an interrogation by Larry:

            Larry:   Is he good?

            Anna:   Yes

Larry:   Better than me?

Anna:   Different

Larry:   Better?

Anna:   Gentler

Alice is equally pitiful in seeking reassurance from Dan after his betrayal with Anna:

Alice:    Do you still fancy me?

Dan:     Yes.

Alice:    Why? Why is love not enough?

  

Dan is also weak, giving Larry the upper hand and total control over Anna:

Larry:   I did not fuck her to give her a nice time, I fucked her to fuck you up.

            You do not know the first thing about love. Have you ever seen a human hart? It looks like a fist wrapped in blood. You writer, you liar. It’s over, accept it.

Larry:   She has made her choice … She does not want to be happy …Depressives don’t want to be happy because they have to go out into the world and live, which is depressing.

Dan:     You love her like the dog who loves its owner.

Larry:   And the owner loves the dog back.

Larry further bullies his way by ruining any possibility of Dan's relationship withAlice:

            Larry:   Dan, I lied to you – I did fuck her. Sorry for telling you, I am just not big enough to forgive you.

Frustrated, Dan takes his defeat out on Alice, who is especially interesting because her use of fake name suggests she is just playing a game to detach herself from men.  Of course, underneath it all she is suffering from betrayal and loss, which is post poignant in the scene that takes place towards the end of the film:  


Alice and Dan are in a hotel room, attempting to relive happy memories  they lost along the way.  Alice is excited about their upcoming vacation, but Dan is not mentally there.  Instead of thinking about the future, he is tormented by the past and Larry's brutal words keep ringing inside his head.  


Dan begins to question Alice about her one night with Larry. Dan's obsession prevents him from noticing that the last chance of happiness with Alice slipping away:  

            Dan:     Tell me what happened?

            Alice:    Nothing happened.

            Dan:     I just want the truth. I am addicted to it. Without it we are animals.

When Alice does not give in, Dan runs away, only to come back a minute later and change his mind. But it’s too late. Alice has had enough:

Alice:    I don’t love you anymore. Goodbye. So here is the truth so that you can hate me. Larry fucked me all night.

Dan:     I knew that. He told me. I needed to hear it from you.

Alice:    Why did he tell you? Because he is a bastard. I would have loved you forever. It’s too late now.

Dan:     I love you!

Alice:    Where? Where is that love? I cannot see it, I can’t touch it, I cannot feel it. Whatever you say it’s just words. It’s done. Go.

And so it goes - we are left with the final scene, in which Jane(Alice) is walking down the street in Manhattan.  She is young and beautiful, her every step bounces with freedom, and every male passersby stops to look at her, as Damien Rice sings:

"And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time"

Then the screen shifts to poor Dan - he is broken and will never get over Alice or Anna. 

And the song continues:

"And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky"

Not many know that Jane gets killed by a car in the original play. In the film, she is walking towards a red "do not walk" light, oblivious to everything.  She is careless in her beauty and she is walking directly into her death (or maybe not, the film ending is left open to interpretation.) 

Closer ends exactly where it begins - at a cross walk - a perfect metaphor for human relationships, in which everything is replaceable, trivial, and can be taken away in one split second.

The Psychedelic Furs concert in Houston

                              Richard Butler - Photo by Alexander Flenner

I love new wave and enjoy every band fitting into that musical period. Psychedelic Furs is one of such bands, although they are also known for art rock and hard rock.

The Furs, as the fans lovingly refer to them, performed at the Warehouse Live on July 2, 2010.

Eager to hear hits like “Heaven” and “The Ghost In You,” middle aged fans gathered near the stage waiting patiently for the band to set up after She Wants Revenge wrapped up their opening act. She Wants Revenge was good and complimentary to the Furs’ sounds. Yet, it seemed once She Wants Revenge finished, the audience was relieved. After all, they were there for the Furs, not alternative music.

Richard Butler was well worth the wait. Extremely personable and unpretentious, he made fans feel at home by reaching out to the audience, touching, shaking hands and getting down on his knees.


This being the last show on their tour, all band members seemed to be at ease, walking around the stage and twirling in circles. Saxophonist Mars Williams was exceptionally good.

I stood directly at the stage, singing along, excited to see a band that held it together from 1978.  It was refreshing to watch them enjoy performance as much as their fans were. Their love for the music was contagious and the audience appreciated it. 

I went home happy, after giving Richard Butler a firm handshake.

Dissection of a painting

Here is my latest painting, from start to finish:




watercolor under painting



coat of gold powder mixed with watercolor and clear acrylic glaze





finishing touches in watercolor

San Francisco